I have been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be happy. In our society, happiness often appears to correlate with monetary accumulation, or some obvious display of wealth, like the newest phone or the biggest TV. I have been admittedly guilty of falling into this trap time and time again. I could not tell you how many times in my past I have felt down or depressed about something or other and gone shopping to alleviate whatever random sadness I felt in my heart. And you know what? You DO feel better for a little while, but ultimately, I think you come to a point when you look around yourself and your surroundings and you realize that you have too much STUFF and that none of that stuff really makes you feel good inside. Obviously, this is not a new observation, but it is one I’ve been pondering quite a bit in the most recent months, as my husband and I discuss some very large impending life changes, which I’ve hinted at before, and will be talking about more in the next month or so.
Thinking about living at a level far, far below what I’m used to financially is very scary to me. I’m a worrier at heart, and even though I know I am making the right decision as far as my future goes, it is alarming and frightening to lose so much control over my life and my circumstances. To go from totally stable employment to something that isn’t stable and doesn’t offer anything in the way of concrete financial benefits, is terrifying. And yet, even more scary than that is the thought that I will never step out of my comfort zone and take a chance with my life, that I will never know what I am fully capable of if I continue to live and work inside of this small box I’ve constructed for myself.
To compound matters, several people very close to me are constantly reminding me of the fact that I’m about to do something risky, something that has the potential to completely screw up my life. I wish these people knew how much I desperately crave their approval, and the fact that they are so wary, implies to me (even if they do not realize it) that they have absolutely no faith in my abilities or my talent. And that hurts so deeply inside I could never put it into words. I suppose on one level, I realize they do not approve because they are scared and worried about me because they love me so much, but at the same time, it feels like a little knife inside my chest whenver I think about it. I wish they could just BELIEVE in me because so often I feel like I am seeking their approval and I never feel like I really ever have it when approval is so contingent on caution and on not taking any kind of chance.
In any case, those are just some relatively deep thoughts on this chilly Thursday morning. I hope to have some actual pictures up on the blog shortly, as I have been a shooting FIEND these past few weeks, with about a zillion more portrait sessions lined up.
What a difference a week makes! This time last week I was in the dumps, feeling sorry for myself, and generally bathing in a case of extremely self-indulgent malaise. Now, I’m riding much higher: three big Etsy sales this week alone, and then today, my friend Sheena FOUND MY PHOTOGRAPH IN OUR LOCAL TARGET! Yes, my photograph is currently gracing the ladies department, which is highly appropriate as I spend an inordinate amount of time in that section of the store.
Initially, I was going to go see my photo tomorrow, but I was suddenly struck with the fear that since it’s Saturday night, they would be changing it out for the next week’s art, and I would never see it. So, the hubs and I decided to get in the car at 9 p.m. and hit the local Target.
Although surprised at how small it is, I’m so PROUD to see my work in a national store! It’s just overwhelming and such a huge validation. Huzzah!
Yeah, yeah, this is a blog about my photography, but I got ENGAGED this weekend so I’m posting about ME for once! I am SO excited! We had been sort of unofficially engaged already (we knew we were getting married next year, for instance), but I got the ring this weekend and the formal proposal, so it’s now officially official.
I just love my ring. The fiance (how wonderful a word that is!) picked it out by himself. The ring initially had a large diamond in the center, but as I do not like diamonds ethically or aesthetically, I told him I wanted a ruby when he asked me what stone I preferred. I love the ring because he chose it all by himself and did such a great job. It is absolutely perfect for me: non-traditional, slightly flashy, and meaningful.
Ironically enough (and I’m pretty sure I am using irony in its proper context here), I do not have a great photograph of the ring yet, so the one I’ve attached will have to do until I get a better one.